The Generational Parenting Paradigm Paradox

Have you noticed the recent plethora of articles about parents, especially moms, “losing it” and self-accusing themselves of being failures? I had already been exploring it in an article over a year ago focusing on Gen X. That was considerably before COVID multiplied the parenting dilemmas that had been publicized by the surprise best-selling book Why We Can’t Sleep: Women’s New Midlife Crisis, by Ada Calhoun. 

Calhoun researched and wrote about Gen X women; now Millennial parents are also experiencing the magnified suffering,  as opined by Jennifer Senior, an Opinion Columnist in the New York Times and others. It’s become a hot topic well worthy of attention. 

As Senior points out, Ellen Galinsky, then president of the Family and Work Institute, wrote about the prevalence of guilt-ridden moms over 20 years ago and studied it from the children’s view. The pandemic, generating additional parental responsibilities, has made parents (many dads too) more insecure than moms already were. They think they’re not doing enough for their kids. So many are yelling and freaking out, which accomplishes nothing to solve the problems. 

Despite institutions – government and employers – not doing what’s needed to help, at least not sufficiently, today’s cohort of moms is berating themselves, not only for not being perfect parents, but also neglecting other meaningful roles in volunteering, finding better ways to make this challenging time more meaningful, and community participation. 

Interviews I and others conducted over 10 years ago with Millennials revealed their fear of “failing”. When I asked, one reason they gave was that they thought so many people – family, teachers, coaches, employers – were expecting great things from them and had invested in them. So they put excess pressure on themselves to excel at everything. 

These are big problems that need multi-layered solutions. I am putting forth here one idea from an article I just read in the American Bar Association Journal (Feb.-Mar. 2021 Issue).  Titled “Stop Chasing Perfection,” Rong Tao Kohtz, a lawyer/mom, makes observations about lawyer work-life challenges that I believe apply to mid-career professionals generally (often Gen Xers), who may be spouses, parents, children of aging parents needing caretaking, possibly being business owners and holders of demanding jobs. Like the fantasy of “Tiger Moms,” they may expect to handle everything themselves with aplomb. That is clearly unrealistic. 

Kohtz suggests the following actions within families for a meaningful level of relief, (which she says her family has instituted):

• Make children a part of the solution instilling values and skills and expected of them.

• Teach children to respect professional Identities.

• “Office train” them to do their part in the family.  

• ·Train them to recognize boundaries, such as parents’ individuality, work spaces, and time.

• Have them learn patience, resilience, independence and responsibility.

• ·While being assertive about their own needs, teach children to be kind and considerate of others.

• Learn a strong work ethic and skills to seek some semblance of work-life balance with their careers.

This sounds aspirational, but some individuals and families can achieve a large part of it. Many parents in recent generations haven’t started on this “training” early enough or never attempted it. Much of it may not have been advocated as the popular parenting style in the best-sellers. 

It will not be productive to look for blame, but rather let’s look for fair and realistic solutions that going forward distribute responsibilities where they should be to develop mature individuals and both strong families and stress-reduced workers.

Call to Action: As the saying goes, “it takes a village.” Whether you are a parent, employer, government official, friend, family member, etc., what can you do or advise toward achieving greater “wellness” and reasonable productivity as a society? `Please share your thoughts on this cross-generational, multi-gender, and cross-cultural life-work challenge. 

© Phyllis Weiss Haserot 2021 

This article previously appeared in the February 2021 Cross-Generational Conversation newsletter: Subscribe here.